I lost my loud in Nashville. I lost my rush and I lost my sure and I lost my loud.
There is so much good in that. I found my listen and I found my slow andI found my doubt and those are good and hard things. But for 5 years, I lost some of who I had been for 18 years.
I wanted people to like me, to agree with me, to think I was nice and smart and important and loving. And for the most part, they did. But I was projecting a false self, a self that was who everyone wanted me to be, who always agreed with everyone and kept her mouth shut when she didn’t. Before I was ready, before I remembered who I was, the charade became too hard. I was losing myself inside the mask at the same time as the mask began to tear at the edges.
And so I ran. I ran all the way to Mexico, where I lost my community and dropped my mask and found my silence and walked through it all the way into my loud again. I’ve kept the slow and I’m even growing into the occasionally-late and I’m finding the value of my moments. I walked from my doubt through my empty into freedom and love and acceptance and finally, I found my faith, but it wasn’t where I had expected.
I found my faith behind the mirror I had constructed in my heart.
I created a god in my own (false) image- a god who offends no one, who everyone likes, who is smart and important and loving and not controversial in the slightest. I had to take off the mask in order to notice the mirror, to recognize that God is not made in my image but I in his, to recognize that I had been fashioning and worshiping a God made in my own image.
So she created God in her own image, in the image of herself she created Him…
“We all tend to fashion a god who fits our own falsity… Having first created a self in the image of our own making, we then set out to create the sort of a god who might in fact create us.” [source]
I am passionate about some things that not everyone agrees with, just as God is. I offend people sometimes and people don’t understand me sometimes, just as it is with God. I have seemingly conflicting powers of love and mercy and justice and peace at work within me all at once, just like God.
As I step out of my false self into my true self, I find that the mirror is not the problem, but the mask. I am complicated and passionate and sometimes offensive and made in the image of the living God.
When I look into the mirror now, I look to see bits of Him in me, rather than bits of me in Him.
And we are both more beautiful for it.